Saturday, August 04, 2007

Random Dots of CPE: Ten Days Left

  • So why am I the only person in our groups who cries in IPR? Am I in touch with my inner wuss, or out of control, or just more aware of the challenges that we're facing? Feels pretty uncomfortable.
  • I am doing a memorial service in a funeral parlor on Monday, for one of the babies who died on CICU. Doing any kind of service like this, apart from liturgics practica, is a new thing. These folks aren't Episcopalian, just nondenominationally Christian, without an affiliation to a church. It doesn't feel like the sort of family that would be comfortable with a full-blown Episcopalian service, so I'm going to cobble something together from our tradition and PH's Covenant Book of Common Worship, which isn't quite so fussy. Some prayers, some Scripture, a few words about the baby, who was a beautiful little two-month old with light brown super-curly hair, a song from a cousin. Plus prayers at the graveside for the interment. Learnings abound.
  • A friend from seminary and I ran into each other today, after PH and I came back from the Farmer's Market. He said, "You've got that exhausted from CPE look. You need some rest." No kidding, pal...
  • I'm looking so forward to this being over, ecause I AM tired. And yet I worry about the patients and feeling like I'm abandoning them. Ah, well, I think they and I will both get over it. Yet another thing to cry over in IPR.

Okay troops, here's your question of the day, one that our group has chewed on for lo these many weeks: do you believe in miracles? Not just the "gee, isn't that a beautiful sunset?" kind of miracle, but God reaching down and fully and miraculously healing someone who has something awful? If you do, how do you think God chooses who gets a miracle and who doesn't?


Sophia said...

Just 4 days left here...

I don't know if this helps, but everyone in my group has cried in IPR at least once. We have also cried while presenting verbatims and papers. So maybe we're all strange, or maybe your group is strange and you're normal! Not sure.

The feeling of abandoning patients is pretty common from what I've heard. I feel like I'm abandoning my ICU families too. I will pass on the info about serious situations to the staff chaplains and I'm sure it will be fine, but it doesn't feel fine to me right now.

My group has a weird split going on between those of us who are doing anticipatory grieving over the group and those who can't wait to be done. I'm one of the grieving ones. I'm feeling pretty crummy about it all being over. A few folks and I have talked about staying in touch, but does that really happen? I don't know. I feel kind of silly about it.

Rev Dr Mom said...

Mibi, I was the "designated cry-er" in my group--I cried so much during CPE, and for a while it was sort of embarrassing.

But here's the funny thing: at the end of the unit it turns out that my group saw me as strong because I could cry. Go figure. And my supervisor urged me to not be worried about my "gift of tears."

There was a great sense of sadness in our group when we finished--relief that it was over, joy that we'd MADE IT, exhaustion from the effort, but also sadness about the bonds we'd formed within the group and without, and that inevitably would not be maintained. Natural grief, I think.

As for your question, I think that God sets up things so that miraculous things can happen (in a process theology sort of way), but I'm really uncomfortable about the notion that God is pulling the strings so to speak, because what does that mean for those who don't get a miracle?

the reverend mommy said...

I cried every single time.
It is indeed a gift of tears.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I believe in miracles. The God-reaching-down-doing-something-I-couldn't kind. Mine wasn't physical but psychological and emotional healing. It didn't happen the way I thought, but it was authentic healing. For me, it was a miracle. Why me? Why then? Why not someone else? I don't know. Grace.
- A Seminarian