Anne Lamott talks in one of her wonderful books about her friend, whose two modes of prayer are "Thanks" and "what??!!"
I'm feeling rather "what??!!??" this evening.
Today was registration. Being in something so new and unfamiliar, and being a beginner after umpty-ump years of being the resident expert on something, is odd and disorienting. Tomorrow classes start, and I think I'll feel better sitting in a classroom with someone telling me what is expected of me. I do better with the parameters circumscribed around me than floating free.
Igor Stravinsky once said that the thing he feared the most was a blank page. No decisions made yet as to what the music was to be about, no choices as to form, not even a key signature or a meter. Once the initial decisions were made, he could be bold.
I suspect that this is a bit of what I'm feeling, although nothing I produce will be "The Rite of Spring." I need the boundaries defined for me, then I can press against them.
The debate du jour - you knew I couldn't do this seminary thing without stretching the envelope - is whether I'll run for something in student government. Odd to be considering this some 18 years after I ran for statewide public office (it wasn't a rollicking success story, but that's a tale for another day). I wonder if I'd have the time, I wonder if it would be nothing but a pain in the butt, I wonder if it's something I might called to do, I wonder if I'm over-thinking it.
Some things never change.
Perhaps I'll just wait and see if someone nominates me or someone volunteers. My guess, though, is that everyone will sit around waiting for someone else to do something, and I'll fill up that empty space by volunteering. We'll see. I have until Thursday to suss it out, and since I'm having dental work done that morning, I may be unable to speak.
It may be a good thing, that Novocaine!