I volunteered to be a class chaplain. It's the sort of thing I love to do, and that I think I do pretty well. Apparently a number of other folks felt the same way, and also volunteered. I didn't get picked.
So now I feel like an eight year old who didn't get picked for the school play. Cranky and rejected and wondering why I'm doing this.
Yes, I know it's childish.
Part of the challenge of going to seminary is having to redefine myself. No one here knows me as a very smart person. I'm not feeling terribly bright these days, frankly. No one here knows me as a good musician. I'm intimidated by the choir director, who has very strong opinions, not all of which I agree with. No one here knows me as an excellent administrator. The folks who got elected to those sorts of roles are living in the dorms and were elected because they were popular amongst the dorm residents.
So today I'm feeling old, dumb, unwanted, and invisible. I'm doing it to myself, of course. That doesn't make it any less painful.
Somebody please kick me in the butt and tell me to stop being such an idiot.
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ReplyDeleteNo butt-kicking here. It's certainly an understandable feeling. Been there!
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely a dynamic in seminaries... the on-campus folk usually get the attention and the leadership positions--at first. After a year or so it starts to even out as people get to know one another. So give it some time! You're awesome and they'll see it.
Incidentally, the word verification was msgdul. Gee, I hope my message wasn't dull!
In conversations with my classmates it sounds like the things you are feeling are very common here too!
ReplyDeleteHang in there. It will get better!
- a fellow stressed out, mixed up, confused, trying-to-find-my-place-and-my-voice-in-this-strange-world-we-call-seminary junior
P.S. My classmates are coming to your neck of the woods (I'm staying here :-( ) for the annual VTS-GTS football game this weekend. The penguins are pretty rabid this year (and they fully intend to cense the field!) but they are a nice bunch of folks and very excited about the trip south.
Thanks for all the good words - I'm feeling much more sane today. Sophia, your classmates should really enjoy their day - they'll see the Thunderbirds, the Air Force precision flying team, overhead, since the new USAF Memorial is being dedicated on Saturday. Hopefully the weather will cooperate!
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I did the law school thing more years ago than I care to think (no longer a lawyer), and ran into much of the same stress. You will get through it.
ReplyDeleteCan I give you a hug instead.
ReplyDeleteIt won't be long before these people know and appreciate you. And in the meantime we do!
I still get that feeling when I don't get picked.